Yet, when I sit here to write, after what seems like ages (6 years to be exact), I find myself at a loss for words or any sense of articulation for that matter. I wonder what would be the best way to unpack a certain topic, be that a mental health concept or something that I would have liked to read, something that would be of aid, or something that’s just a good, hearty read, and I come up blank.

The pressures of professionalism, paired with my own expectations of perfectionism, have me doomed to trying to move an insurmountable mountain load of pressure.

A great peril of being a psychotherapist and engaging in mental health-related writing is that everything you write seems to have less context, and you want to add more layers of nuance and depth to the same. You don’t want to say anything too subjective, for how it lands at the other end, with no space for conversation, the mask of professionalism under the garb of being an objective blank slate, watering down of the nuances, the astute observations once made, and yet the expectations of being an authentic, rapport-established therapist. And then, when you end up exploring and expressing all that is connected, painting a mindmap for the reader, researching and referencing, you stray so far away from the language of the normal layman, making it sound like yet another technical paper, too boring and exhaustive to be read.

If you sense some underlying frustration, you’re right.

Yes! There’s a lot of it brewing within.

Thanks to the inability of personal expression, the agency stripped off the “humanness” of the therapist, covering all bases for their clinical competence and showcasing the same, intentional explorations of the vast angles of everything, yet the pitiable wages offered.

Or perhaps the reflective work (self-introspecting as a psychotherapist) in all of this is just my projected sad, dark perceptions of myself as a psychotherapist practicing in India.

Welcome to the world of mental health, where awareness is a painful yet most delightful blessing to have experienced. Your consciousness is a blessing indeed. What you make of it is absolutely up to you!

And that’s what the Western modules of therapy tell you. Ignore the systems that make the individuals symptomatic or helpless and work on the self. If that’s not the system failing the individual, I don’t know what is. But then you reflect deeper and get curious about the system makers, which are, in turn, human, and yes, there’s a catch-22! Capitalism, the system that society is built on, or the system that society continues to feed. Dynamic politics of the bodies involved and the world that shapes you.

Yet there have been thinkers, philosophers, therapists, and artists rendering explorations, thoughts, and texts that encourage otherwise. Who’ve dared to speak up, revolt, stray away from the apparent seamless flow of the systems, express the raw realness of human experience, recognizing the messiness, the authentic explorations — leading the masses to find resonance in the same.

I guess this is me scraping over the professional mask built over the last 8+ years of professional learnings and tapping into my authentic human expression, my built expertise on all things psychotherapy and psychology, and my love for the mysteries of the human soul — to talk, share, reflect and ponder together as the humane collective; whilst trying to re-kindle my affinity for writing. The multitude of knowledge can sometimes be a lot to assimilate individually, so this is my way of holding it collectively, for all of us.

A gentle offering from one human to another!

Consider these as my letters to the whole of you, the whole of me;

Letter to the whole of us! for parts – unseen, unexplored, unloved, and untouched.

Laters,

Harsimrat (ofthemindandheart)

Letters to the whole of us 1/52

With the internet and the better part of the world is being taken by the storm for all things building communities, building a brand, building your personhood; I think it’s really important that we take a step back, sit down and process for, “What is it that I need?” and having the discerning capability of distinguishing the need from the want.

It’s important to be cognizant of the fact that human beings are all a byproduct of the society and the systems that we live in, and the systems of the society at large are all formed and performed by human beings at large.

You’re being driven into participation in the name of community building, feeling a part of the larger community of a brand – but is that enough? Do you feel witnessed? Do you feel heard? Do you feel held? Do you feel loved? Has somebody got your back?

With this little piece here, I am here to expand on the elements of community and village, as the pop culture calls it, why we need both, and can’t supplement one with the other.

2025 – The Age of the Modern World – I’m no Villager!

Talk online and offline, fun activities, and brand-based communities to me, for I’m no villager!

The Modern Dilemma of Existence is – to be, or not to be, on the socials and that indeed is the question – for your immediate environment is formed as a result of the same; what you do, where you engage, what you wear, who you interact with, the places you visit, the things you read, the things you eat, what’s trending.

We are attracted to all things trending communities, the brands, associations, by contexts, and more. There’s always so much socialisation, so many things to do, contacts to make, network to build upon.

The technological age upon us and the world that we live in has made so much advancement in its own beautiful way, and yet we exist in our silos, latching on to the smartphones to suckle on and soothe the underlying ache or the void of existence we experience.

And sure, to exist without being in touch with the rest of the world through social media is unheard of, might even be considered a red flag!

However, should it come at the cost of being out of touch with your own sense of self, your own being, your own existence?

The Genesis

Human development is a result of the interactions of the individuals with their environment, and should you believe in a growth mindset, the development doesn’t necessarily stop at age 18 or 25 – but continues forevermore. So, I guess it also takes a village for the continued growth of an adult?

The child’s beliefs and functioning systemic structures of the brain are well formed or at least learnt by the naive age of 7, all formed by the immediate circle of the caregivers – parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, playmates, friends, their parents, social interactions with other people around, all observed and imbibed unconsciously.

The child is actually a product of the environment and is influenced by the five nested ecological systems of interaction based on Bronfenbrenner’s ecological systems theory –

1. Microsystem (immediate environment, i.e., the parents, the caregivers, and the siblings),

2. Mesosystem (connections between microsystems, i.e., extended family, friends, neighbors, a result of the connections of the caregivers, the parents, and the siblings),

3. Ecosystem (indirectly influencing environments, i.e, the schools, the communities, the sports group, leisure groups, etc.),

4. Macrosystem (broader cultural context, i.e., formed as a consequence of the exposure to the geographical community, the cultural and traditional values upheld, the housing, the services, and interactions with the practitioners around), and

5. Chronosystem (the dimension of time, i.e, the influence of time on the collective society and therefore on the psyche of the individual).

To contextualise it further, closer to home, the South-Asian and African communities are known for their ancient, diverse, culturally rich, vibrant, deep-rooted villages that run in the blood and the bones of their inhabitants present there and forevermore. There’s a deep history of traditions, culture, values, arts, ritual practices, and a certain kind of reverence that’s still practiced in great parts; not to forget the history of colonialism, survivorship, and the consequently deepened attachment towards preserving what once was.

This is again, not to say that we shouldn’t be moving with the present times, but to be aware of how the history, the culture, the traditions they were trying to preserve, were preserved and persevered within them. Community, thereby, is the holy grail of human existence, wired quite literally into our DNA. It’s not just about psycho-social interaction to the brain; it forms the basis of survivorship, the sense of belonging, safety experienced, and even longevity of life.

You can’t talk about the layered nuance pertaining to human existence by taking the social systems, structures, culture, traditions, biases, oppressions, the history out of them. But sure, for the sake of the argument right now, let’s witness the community as the functional unit of society before and how it has served in the sociological sense of things, impacting the psyche of the human being or even a child, per se.

Figure 1

Community Formation and Its Influence

And so with that, let me appeal to the child self of yours and take you back to the stories.

We’ve all heard the story of Rupanzel, the one with the long streak of magical hair. Deprived of any social world by the evil old lady portraying herself as her mother, trying to protect her from the world outside, she felt isolated and incomplete. The compulsion she felt to explore the lanterns glowing in the sky gave her hope enough to explore the uncharted territories of the world. And yet, the fears of the outside world meaning her harm is what kept her in that little tower until she finally plucked the courage to question things for how they were, take that leap of faith and explore things for her own selves, only to find a whole new kingdom that she loved and that loved her back in turn!

The point being, you as a child will pick up on things knowingly or unknowingly, outside the boundaries of your own little awareness, and that forms your belief systems and the way you function and move through life.

The stages of community building can be categorised as follows:

1. Membership – based on shared identity/ location/ interests. It exhibits the character and sense of connections that the individual comes in with. The focus of the membership is understanding the relationship between individuals and their social, cultural, and environmental contexts.

It brings in and builds upon the concepts of identification, sense of belonging, and emotional security – on the basis of being a part of the collective.

2. Fulfillment of Needs – an elemental shift and deeper international involvement stage. It builds off the elements of caring and connection. The needs of belonging and connection, safety and security, autonomy and competence, self-expression and validation, love and affection, spontaneity and play, purpose and meaning – when finally met, create a deep sense of intimacy experienced, which indeed reinforces the commitment to the group.

3. Emotional connection – a consequence of the fulfilled needs and influence within the space is emotional connection – a positive affect and shared history related to the community membership. It further reinforces the elements of character and caring within the individual.

4. Influence – to create positive change by addressing the pressing issues of social significance as a result of increased emotional connection and looking for the collective good. It exhibits competence, confidence, connection, character, and a sense of caring.

This is where the individual gets to exert their influence on the community formed, despite coming from within the community.

Take the case of the ugly duckling, who took a while to hatch and come into this world. Despite all the love, care and support from his mother could never find a sense of belonging, some sense of safety within his own community despite being born there (lack of fulfillment of needs despite the said membership), but definitely took the deeply ingrained beliefs of his own ugliness and his unworthiness of life (negative influence), despite the graceful swimming skills he’d got indeed.

The community that you have influences you, shapes you into the person that you are. To say that you don’t have an inbuilt community is turning a blind eye to your immediate environment and not having practiced enough self-awareness to realise your own sense of self. You become what you are exposed to, where you come from. It’s both the nature and nurture dialogue.

Interdisciplinary intersections of psychology, social ecology, and community development in a conceptual framework for village resilience

The community you live in sets the rules, built on a semblance of mutually agreed-upon structure, working on the models of transparency, trust, aligned with collective responsibility, wellness, and therefore, building a supportive environment. This culturally sensitive interconnected network offers guidance, therefore developing a child into an individual with a certain character, compassion, courage, critical thinking, and a sense of collaboration in turn.

And yet, there’s a classic tale of the old man and his sons, who keep on quarrelling amongst each other (healthy disagreement – a by-product of close-knit interactions), and his concern for what will become of them. On his deathbed, he guides his sons with the help of a bunch of sticks, for how sticking together would mean strength and standing alone would be prone to greater vulnerabilities. There’s strength in unity!

Human being and the WANT for community – a symbiotic relationship

The ugly duckling went from pillar to post in search of a place he could call home, somewhere he could find some safety, a sense of belonging. He craved for a place where people would just accept him. Having been told of his ugliness, and so he believed himself to be an unfortunate, ugly duckling, almost wishing to never have been born. The community shaped him, and yet the internal yearning for a different life, to be free, to swim, to fly, to belong – held the little sliver of hope alive somewhere deep within. And so he flew over varied lands, interacting and struggling till he was struck by the beauty of a few swans that he was almost drawn towards like a compulsion. Yet the lack of self-worth refrained him from interacting with them, for it was the sheer fear of rejection once again that would break his heart. And yet, it was only once he realised himself, having the courage to look into your own true reflection, that he realised he was one of the wondrous, beautiful birds he was drawn to. The grace and love with which the swans welcomed him felt novel to the little duckling! And yet, his heart warmed up, and he shone brighter.

And so it’s indeed important that you shape the community around you, for you are known by the company you keep. And sure, the introduction of Instagram has led us to believe the social capital is something to be looking for, investing in, but to be fooled into the need of belonging to communities and spaces out of sheer social signalling, FOMO, or anything otherwise out of alignment, is you driving yourself further away from the community that you are supposed to belong to. An actual community fans your wings, sees you, encourages you to take that leap of faith, and has your back nonetheless!

I see humans and community in a very beautiful symbiotic relationship, if and only if there’s a value alignment. Or we’d be perpetually stuck in the cycle of the human feeding the community or vice versa, none of which is sustainable or even healthy to begin with.

You see how the ugly duckling almost bloomed (evolved positive self-esteem — the increased sense of belonging, sense of safety, self-worth, self-competence) upon the connection with the right community. This is not to deny the self-work it took at the duckling’s end to realise that it was a swan all along (self-acceptance, resilience, personal ownership).

It takes work to build community, and it takes work to build yourself up as a person, too! None of these things exists in silos; however, they are very much initiated, formed, and developed as a consequence of interaction and association with each other.

You want a community that’s built day by day. It’s never a given! It takes showing up despite discomfort, grit, empathy, contribution, collaborative effort, and a shared sense of purpose. Sure, your individual sense of personhood determines the quality of offerings you bring to the table for this community, but that’s the beauty wherein the community nurtures you in turn on your down days. And you nurture it back with your own unique ways, quirks, and contributions.

Communities and Villages

So far, we’ve been using the words village and community quite interchangeably. It is important that we understand – Your village exists within the community, but the whole of the community is not your village!

How I define a village at a certain point in time in your life is the people who you’d be comfortable inviting over to your place. Some might drop by for an evening tea, others might stay for dinners and even sleepovers.

This is never to say you give up on the community, nope – a village is a consequence of the close-knit interactions within the community. You can’t fit a whole community in there all at one time, but the individuals of the community do keep dropping by.

However, the village, your people, my people! They are a part of the inner circle; they exist and feel free to walk in. They know their way around your kitchen, the silverware, the laundry room, and your cupboards! Guess you gotta be selective and get real.

Winni, the Poohbear. It felt so nice to witness Pooh and Piglet work their tiny brains together to build a house for Eeyore, someone who held a little disdain for Pooh, and well, even though the idea was their brainchild, they took help from Tigger, built and celebrated that house with the rest of the little companions around. Pooh lived with his village in Hundred Acre Wood of Ashdown Forest. Did he cut off from the forest? Nope! There was just a greater sense of affinity towards the inhabitants of Hundred Acre Wood.

We’re all in for a little happy ending, aren’t we? No matter how delirious that sounds.

We’re wired for seeking community.

No matter who you are, what you do, where you come from, where you are headed towards, how your community engages with you — nurtures you or denies you, you find your people, because you need people!

You need community, you need your village, you need witnesses, you need partnerships! People in their raw form.

The Greater NEED for Village

All of this begets the question of what forms a village and why we need one within the community.

A Village is formed due to close-knit social interactions, whilst a community is based on a broader concept of people. A Village is built with the intentional shared sense of vulnerability, implicit trust, and the ease of access, whilst the community is held together or connected by place, beliefs, interests, or even identity.

A Village might be geographically defined with an intimate, mutual sense of dependence and traditions of co-creating the collective care, whilst a community is the basis of shared bonds that are both broad (citizens of the nation) and deep (resulting in villages – increased sense of identification and belonging).

Why do we need a village within a community, you ask? The whole notion of the village being there for you is rooted in the notions of a shared sense of vulnerability and the building of trust. Sure, the community provides you with a great sense of belonging to a group, but is there space for the fulfillment of all of your needs there? Human beings are communal creatures.

Your sense of self and nurturance, as elaborated upon before, is a result of the interactions with the immediate environment you’re exposed to as a child, therefore quite determined by the village that nurtures you, and consequently, you’re defined by the company you keep. You’re nurtured by the village, developed enough to then interact with the community individually, having the independent agency and forethought for the exploration of a diverse, greater, well-suited community, perhaps at that.

The Modern World, Its Communities and Villages.

With the increasing advent of social technology and the online interface, there’s been an identification of greater needs of the community both online and offline, and sure that’s being met.

For the modern man, life exists both online and offline. However, what we seem to be stuck with is the online world and the fast pace of not missing on the next big thing, the big party, or the next building of the community. One never pauses to think if that’s doing more good or harm to the psyche of human existence?

The human brain and the body were not wired for the intake of such a community at large.

It feels like a threat to the system!

Yet there’s a serious lack of the village building, which is deeply relational.

We’re all very familiar with the notions of hustle culture and working to build yourselves up, and sure, we need that, but at what cost? You’d be able to afford yourself some great quality healthcare, yet do you have anyone to call upon once you’re recovering from the safety of your home?

The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), yet another vastly experienced phenomenon and yet, was that something that would have really enriched your life, or was that what you are actually made to think? The human brain needs socialisation; what it doesn’t need or isn’t prepared for is to be barraged by the information of the world first thing in the morning. That’s a threat to your nervous system! And no wonder you’re surviving and thinking all about how your life would have been better had you attended that one party, that one event, that one social circle! So you say and see that you want community and connection, yet in the very next breath, you don’t want to bother anyone. You don’t want to be overbearing or even a burden! And so we isolate ourselves in the name of self-care. In the name of healing.

Come to think of it, there’s a difference in loneliness v/s solitude. Human beings are wired for social connection; we need it almost. We think we are building connections online, building communities, and this is not to deny the agency, the impacting tangibility of those spaces, but the question is if that is enough for your actual needs of connection, the yearning to be seen, loved, supported, understood, and cared for?

And how about we look up, out of our cell phones, and actually take a step into the real lived experience of the lives that we all happen to inhabit within – and smell some coffee, feel the wind, the sunshine, and taste some real connection. Because sure, your brain can be titillated and fooled into an experience of the same through the screen, but your body is stuck and needs some physical environmental stimulation, connection, some movement, some real touch.

Building Your Village

The village includes the people whom you actually feel comfortable around. They are a part of the larger community, but you know them better. Your value systems align! You may not see eye to eye on a few things, and that’s okay, but you’ve learned to respect each other’s understandings and ways of life – a result of healthy dialogue, mutual respect, and a space of expression of diverse personal opinions co-existing. Sure, we may not have exchanged the skeletons in our closets, but it does get pretty close. You trust them! You nurture them, and they nurture you right back.

The village shows up in times of dire need. They aren’t waiting to be invited; they get to know, they learn, and they show up! Some disagreements are bound to happen, but there’s healthy conflict resolution, a level of accountability, acceptance, and commitment. To be seen for all of your uniqueness, your quirks, to witness your life! That’s hard work, that’s vulnerability, that’s deep witnessing!

Here’s me, therefore, encouraging you to be a villager – because sure, we can all be parts of multiple communities at the same time; but the in-person nurturance that the village offers is unmatched.

The kid might not have had the village of their choice, didn’t get much of a say in the family or cultural community they were born into, yet the onus of the present day falls in the hands of the adult you and the choice they choose to make around the same.

The onus is on you to build the village, evolve with the village, move through villages if need be, suffer the grief of leaving, being left, death, moving on, and rebuilding once again – for you’re the swan of your own making!

It’s time that you realise and soar the skies with your flock.

References:

1. Adam Hernández, Alistair & Harteisen, Ulrich. (2020). A Proposed Framework for Rural Resilience - How can peripheral village communities in Europe shape change?. 1-35. 10.4422/ager 2019.05.

2. Foxley, B.L. (2018). Key Considerations for Collaborative School-Based Mental Health Services: Partnering Community Psychology Principles with Systems of Care Methodology to Address Issues of Stigma.

3. Gladstone, B. M., Boydell, K. M., & McKeever, P. (2006). Recasting research into children’s experiences of parental mental illness: beyond risk and resilience. Social science & medicine (1982), 62(10), 2540–2550. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2005.10.038

4. Park, E. Y., Oliver, T. R., Peppard, P. E., & Malecki, K. C. (2023). Sense of community and mental health: a cross-sectional analysis from a household survey in Wisconsin. Family medicine and community health, 11(2), e001971. https://doi.org/10.1136/fmch-2022-001971

5. Reupert, A., Straussner, S. L., Weimand, B., & Maybery, D. (2022). It Takes a Village to Raise a Child: Understanding and Expanding the Concept of the “Village”. Frontiers in public health, 10, 756066. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2022.756066

Reading Further:

1. The Nature and Core Values of Community Psychology | by Sivaranjani Iyer | Unengage | Medium

2. Your Village and Community Are Different, The Good Men Project

3. How To Be A Villager, Pound Foolish

Or probably the dark void of this humongous webspace- we happen to call the internet; given this is my first post here. But hey! Hopefully, not for long. 

Hello! 

This is Harsimrat Kaur. I am a practicing psychotherapist, consulting psychologist, and mental health advocate. A peek into my personhood, I consider myself to be an over-caffeinated, structure-hungry perfectionism-marred queen. 

Before being a therapist, I’ve always been someone who was trying to make sense of the experiences we have, the life we live, the beauty we witness, the chaos that we exist in, and try, yet fail, to bring in some sense of sensibility, structure, understanding of life. Writing has always been the one thing that grounds me and helps me bring clarity. Maybe it’s the experience of weaving one word after the other, or perhaps the structure of the sentence in itself, that soothes me. Yet what a painfully solitary experience of existence.

During my undergraduate graduation, I had this flair and knack for writing a lot of fiction and was acknowledged with awards. It felt nice to have people around, witnessing their passions. Creating art, in varied forms, a slice of the world through their lens and I found my solitude a little less burdening - the charms of existing in a community. Cut to 4 years of personal therapy, and with the reflections I have had both in my personal therapy and clinical supervisions; is that -  I was a creative person, and still am, probably; and I must embrace that. 

And guess what? Art does breed purpose to life. Shocker! Right. For what is life, if not creation? So I believe the idea is to explore if the young, imaginative,  creative, artist or writer within me still breathes. If yes, I hope I can nurture her all the more. 

However, what brings me to substack, 5 years down the line is my love for writing, the creative agency I have explored the most. The liberating pursuit to have a voice through words (till we have the privilege of the same), the space to emote multitudes whilst also welcoming, making space for the reader’s expression in consumption. Then is the inspiration to me for consciously using my brain cells, nurturing them some more

and not giving up in this AI-programmed world. So here’s me trying to do my “little” bit.

In this fast-paced life of content consumption, I hope to bring some sense of credible structure into the journey of self-exploration hoping to support you in the journey of finding your village, building your village, and then nurturing the same. That’s one of my dreams for this reading space. They say, “It takes a village to raise a kid.” Guess, we’re all kids, deep down; looking for our village to belong. It’s in adulthood we register, it’s to be built! Nurtured, sustained and the life cycle continues. I know I have felt lonely and lost in my journey, navigating multiple life transition stages, and whatnot.

I have also realized I need to practice what I preach to all of my clients, friends, and people that I interact with, and put myself out there, amidst all of the nerves, underconfidence, self-doubt, cringe mountain, reflection, etc. This is a single act of courage I’m hoping to exhibit every week consistently, building both an internal and external sense of credibility for myself, hoping somewhere down the line, this creative act has its trickle-down effect and aids, inspires, adds to you in whatever capacity possible. You can expect a lot of personal insights, stories, reflection, and therapeutic learnings, and also then the therapist speaks up in her element in between.

My dream for the readers here is focused on adding and building on personal growth, reflections, dialogues on existence, survival and being, all things life, love, work, relationships, wishes, hopes, dreams, and conscious introspections with collective actionable steps, resource sheets, etc. to drive or facilitate space for change, growth, and collective evolution.

Let’s build the village!